Psyched For Monday!

This morning I was thinking this week’s post would be about the power of apologizing.  You know, there’s lots of great stuff written about gratitude,  appreciation, and even forgiveness, but less air time for saying you’re sorry.

Then I got on a plane with a stomper in front of me and a screamer behind me and I felt like breaking style and going on a bit of a rant.

For starters, the seating was so tight, the seat pockets (normally in front of you to hold magazines, barf bags, and errant gumwrappers) had been removed so that one’s knees could be squeezed in. Then no matter where i put my feet, the guy in front of me found a way to smash his clodhoppers into my toes. Here are a couple things I wanted to say to that guy:

“Dude, those things that you are slamming into are attached to a human”

“How about if you continue to  interrupt my attempt at meditation, I’ll start acquainting your forehead with the tray table in front of you?”

Then the guy all too close behind my right ear is sharing every adventure of his last ten years with his unfortunate seat mate. He has no confidence in the capacity of the human voice to project the necessary six inches, so he is belting it out so the captain – 20 rows ahead – could join in. To him I fantasized about saying (recalling Steve Martin to John Candy in Planes, Trains, & Automobiles)

“Here’s an idea – when you’re telling a story – have a point, make it amusing, it makes it so much more entertaining for the listener … Or at least keep your freakin’ voibel decibels below the turbo engine.”

I  feel purged. In addition to all the high-minded, good-hearted stuff I write about, I suggest you allow yourself a good rant now and then.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and also the numerically orderly 4,567^th day that Paula and I have been married. We keep track of every day in the spirit of celebration. So my words today are about commemorating love and marriage.

For the mathematicians in the group, you may realize we are approaching our 13^th anniversary. Although my triskaidekaphobia is mild, I will be more comfortable rejoicing about “4,749 Days” rather than “13 years.”

But the reason for focusing on days instead of years is more about appreciating each present moment; noting the achievement and the gladness of each morning, not waiting until the earth circles the sun to revel.

Right now, I’m feeling particularly festive about our salubrious relationship. We feel like it took us a good dozen years to find our groove. Perhaps we needed a lot of individual inner work and shared “processing” of each other and our marriage to realize a flow where we really have something to acclaim each day.

I’m far from declaring a victory and reluctant to offer advice, but I can tell you a few things I’m noticing. The cliché about how when you point the finger there are three pointing back at you arose for a good reason. Learning to focus on what is getting triggered in each of us vs. going into attack mode does oodles toward peace and harmony. Maybe this is the fruition of what I noticed at the beginning of October (see blog entry). Consciously valuing harmony over justice also seems important. Very few battles about who is right are worth the cost to the mood and the relationship. Simply letting go or quickly dismounting the horse of righteous indignation is utterly valuable. Generally being more spacious and accepting (not necessarily agreeing or confirming) of each other’s moods and idiosyncrasies also provides some lovely dividends.

So Happy Valentine’s Day and happy everyday. If you are fortunate to have a relationship, enjoy celebrating it and your partner. I’m looking forward to 4,568.

The title may have led you to believe that I’d be commenting on the post-Superbowl adventures of Adam, Cee Lo, Christina, and Blake. I’m not, other than to say I watched and found several of the singer’s stories and emotions quite moving.

I’ve been thinking more about our own inner voice, largely thanks to Parker J. Palmer’s Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. We often equate the concept of vocation with job or career, yet it comes from the same root as voice and we can think of it as the expression of what is deep within us, perhaps taking the actions that fit with our life purpose.

Palmer’s description of his quest resonated with my efforts to “live a better life” and “be a better person.” He wrote, “I lined up the most elevated ideals I could find and set out to achieve them … The results were rarely admirable, often laughable, and sometimes grotesque…. I had simply found a ‘noble’ way of living a life that was not my own, a life spent imitating heroes instead of listening to my heart.”

From the back seat of my Prius earlier this week, Andrew asked, “What’s a mid-life crisis?” My first thought was, “That’s what your daddy’s having” – not sure the mix of truth and self-amusement. It’s easy to wonder to what extent we are following external demands instead of listening to internal callings.

Palmer explained that learning to let his life speak means “living the life that wants to live in me.” It involves creating enough stillness and quiet to allow a soul to speak its truth. It also means setting aside external notions about what a vocation should and shouldn’t be so that we can attune ourselves to the call of our inner voice.

Part of Palmer’s journey included clinical depression and he noted that the path to leadership and awareness of our vocation involves confronting our darkness.

Finding my own voice amidst the cacophony of external demands, opportunities, and mileposts feels like a daunting challenge. Yet I’m convinced that clarity is available by locating that frequency.

For those of us who will never be “The Voice,” there may be solace in hearing our own purest expression.

Can we talk? Or more precisely, may I please share with you some ideas that can alter how you communicate and work?

People tend not to like it if we enter their homes without knocking. Yet metaphorically, we frequently do this when we teach, coach, or attempt to assist others in their growth and development.

When I went “coaching school,” I learned that permission was the foundation of the process. I have taught and I have been reminded of this lesson many times during the past decade. Trying to coach, teach, or advise without someone’s permission is much like what I imagine it would be to teach a pig to sing — it doesn’t work and it starts to get very annoying to the pig.

A couple of weeks ago, when we started the journey of my “communication skills and strategies” course at the U of A, we explored the concept of permission and we established what actual permission was important for our work together. Shortly after that class, I was with a colleague and I was pleased (perhaps in a somewhat perverse way) to get real-life reminders of what it’s like to be on the other end of someone’s (perhaps well intended) self-proclaimed good advice without my permission. I noticed my initial resistance and my growing irritation as I was given uninvited corrective feedback.

Those of us who spend a good chunk of our professional lives being paid to teach, coach, consult, or otherwise provide our wisdom, need to be particularly careful. The golden nuggets we proffered prior to arriving home becoming lead balloons if we dispense them without explicit authorization.

There are many situations where consent could be reasonably assumed; I suggest it is always good to err on the side of seeking a clear go-ahead.

There are many informal ways to ask permission. One simple favorite is: “May I offer you a suggestion?” Depending on the context, it may be appropriate to get clearance to offer “some coaching” or “an assessment.”

In the vast majority of circumstances, when I’ve been aware enough to ask for permission, people grant it and are then open to receive what I wish to share with them. When I skip this crucial step, the value that I hope to bring is often compromised or the communication is flat out counterproductive.

May I ask you something? If you said yes, then my request is that you pay attention to where in your life agreements to proceed can make a difference. Are they currently omitted, assumed, or overtly established? See if there are places where you can enhance your communication and effectiveness by asking permission.

Although it may “be easier to get forgiveness than permission,” give permission a try.

“I don’t care.”

Although it can be a way of expressing a lack of preference, it can also (perhaps inadvertently) portray apathy or lack of concern. Similarly “It doesn’t matter” or the teenage favorite “whatever” can have negative impacts.  Caring is so central to relationships, so phrases that avoid possible misinterpretation are more desirable. A couple of good alternatives are “I’m open” or “I’m flexible.” In a discussion of phrases that enhance relationships (in Toilet Paper, Toothpaste, and Tuna-Noodle Casserole), my laughter mentor, Steve Wilson (1998) suggested “I’m open” will have you perceived as cooperative, interested, and generous. I heard “I don’t care” as part of a parental rebuke the other night and it supported my feeling that when we want to communicate our openness, we should choose something other than “I don’t care.”

Although our mood, energy, and feeling in the relationship are often decisive, our words can make a difference.

Often there is nothing gained in pointing out a mistake. When the focus is on what has already happened, it tends to be about being right, making wrong, and score-keeping. A great phrase to direct attention to future improvement or possibility is “For next time.” Instead of having a battle or pointing out an error, “for next time” can be a way of saving face. I learned this one from Terry Orlick,, one of Canada’s top sport psychologists, who has written some wonderful books for parents. I remember Terry describing how if you use this phrase with your children, you will find them learning to use it, too. In general, assessments are valuable as they help people to make adjustments to improve future performance. “For next time” is a great way to get us going in the right direction. If you have a comment, I’d love to hear what you would like to read “for next time.”

While I was spending a self-proclaimed week away from e-mail, internet, and texts, I got to thinking about the extent to which various electronic communication can run our lives. How many times have you gone to send an e-mail (take an action) and ending up responding to several items in your in-box (reactions)?

I’ve seen some very cogent arguments to limit checking your e-mail to twice a day (or less). I decided this would be a good way to start my way back into the electronic world. Today was Day 1 and I failed miserably. One of my e-mail accounts was not receiving messages and I tracked it down to needing to change nameservers. (If you happen to have sent anything to billy@exhilaratedlearning.com since December 20, please send it again ☺.) As I worked my way through a couple hundred messages, I realized that few of them had significant value and only a very few were in the least bit urgent. There was nothing that couldn’t wait at least half a workday.

Thus a couple of possible other solutions: instead of relying on all the e-mails, discussion lists, social media, and other forms of communication with high noise to signal ratios, what about using Viagrape – getting news via the grapevine; allowing word of mouth and conversations to replace unnecessary screen time? How about Cial-text – turning off the cell phone and taking a break from the onslaught of texts and calls?

A big payoff is the opportunity to select high-value activities and the good feeling of being more in control of your time. The pictures on the sides show some of the things I was doing instead of e-mail last week. All the best for a wonderful 2012.

Happy New Year!
“The world as we know it is in for some dramatic and devastating changes.” There’s lots being said about 2012. Perhaps it won’t be the apocalypse, but it may be a time of considerable transformation.

I like to begin with something manageable like New Year’s Resolutions.
I was inspired by my hairstylist, Michelle, who told me that her resolution for the past year was to see more concerts.
What a novel idea — no self-denial, or personal improvement, but a plan to have more fun and enjoyment.
That’s my challenge to myself and to you: some resolutions to increase the exhilaration coefficient.

Here’s another set of ideas to help us get back to basics:
All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten
by Robert Fulghum

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life – learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup – they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned – the biggest word of all – LOOK.
(or SEE as the case may be)

If you haven’t got all your changes and resolutions figured out, relax.
Supposedly we have until December 21, 2012.

What do you think of when you hear the word “surrender”?

Like many things, it sends me to Springsteen lyrics:
Well, we made a promise we swore we’d always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
Like soldiers in the winter’s night
With a vow to defend
No retreat, baby, no surrender

Surrender is less a part of my vocabulary than is dog-with-a-bone-commitment (see July 25).
When faced recently with a life-changing opportunity, I found myself trying hard to plan and figure it out.
Paula suggested that I look at what it would be like to let go and go with the flow.

We went to a friend’s house shortly after and there were “divine cards” spread out on the kitchen counter.
I picked one up and the message was “divine surrender.” The core message was to “not know.”

I grew up in a family where knowing was valued highly. I get paid to know.
Yet I felt a sense of relief at the prospect of trusting the process and not obsessing how to design and navigate each step.
There is an ease available in (at least considering) yielding to a power that we don’t understand.*

Have a look at the places where you are disposed to knowing — and perhaps battling about rightness and correctness.
See what happens when you try on not knowing. It might just be fun.

*Watch the movie I Am by Tom Shadyac to explore a wonderful story and great information about how we are all connected.

What is the most simple way to brighten your day? What is the most simple way to connect with another person? How profoundly cool is it that the answer to these two crucial questions is the same? Smile.

You can gather your own data to support the medical evidence that if you contract your facial muscles the right way, it will improve your mood. You don’t even have to call it a smile. Try holding a straw in between your teeth and it will form your face in a way that has you start to feel better.

The dual purpose smile is also the fastest way to connect with someone. Of all the facial expressions, the smile is the one you can discern from the greatest distance. It communicates “I mean you no harm.”

So to feel better, connect with others, and to help others to feel better, here’s a game to play. When you are going about your day, see if you can get everyone you meet to smile. Give yourself bonus marks if you get them to laugh. Yesterday, I was feeling kind of neutral while shopping for some groceries. I decided to try this smile amusement as I approached the cashier. Your genuine smile is the easiest way to put a smile on another’s face. This worked fine and them some quip in response to whether I needed the chicken in a separate bag cracked her up. I’m clear I brightened her afternoon and I knocked myself up a few notches on the mood scale as well.

When you are doing your holiday shopping, give the smile game a whirl. If you want a little attitude enhancement, try flexing your face. Smile and the world smiles with you. Cry and, well, it’s just not as much fun and you don’t meet as many people.

Today is a study in efficiency for a post.
The content below is from Huffington Post Canada:
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2011/12/01/quick-study-a-teachers-tip_n_1124023.html

THE EXPERT:
The Huffington Post Canada talked to one of “Canada’s best teachers” and University of Alberta physical education professor Billy Strean on why we should find time to relax during the holidays.

HuffPost: How do you suggest taking a break from the stresses of the holidays?

Dr. Billy Strean: My secret recommendation is what I call “Centre and Feel Great”
This is a simple, yet extremely powerful practice that brings you into the present moment, gets you connected to yourself and what you care about, opens you to possibility and has you feeling great.

Part 1 – Centre:
Stand comfortably. Let your breath drop. Release your shoulders, your jaw, and any place you are holding tension. Feel the distance from head to toe. Next identify with your width. Feel across your shoulders, your pelvis, and notice the space from side to side. Then pay attention to your depth. You can feel down the back of your head, your back, down your legs. Then feel the front of you: your face, your torso, down the front of your legs. Go to the place two inches below your belly button and two inches in. Breathe into your centre. Notice your breath coming in as you inhale and notice your breath coming out as you exhale. As you have gone through the dimensions of the body, you have become more connected to sensation and all of yourself. As you breath has dropped and you have slowed and relaxed, you are more open to possibility.

Part 2 – Feel Great:
You are now prepared to create from this centred place. Breathe in and feel appreciation and gratitude for your life and all your blessings. Breathe out and release anything that isn’t serving you. Smile. Think about what brings you joy. If it feels right, let yourself laugh. Connect with your heart and let a sense of child-like playfulness move you. Be in the moment and be happy for being alive right now.