Psyched For Monday!

… Tomorrow I return to Grade 7. That’s what they used to say about Bar Mitzvahs. That’s about as close to a rite of passage or induction into manhood that we seem to have in our contemporary culture.

This weekend I attended the ManKind Project’s New Warrior Training Adventure, a sort of hero’s journey into joining a community of men. During my past 14 years of many transformational and personal growth courses, this is one of one a couple that has been just for men. Like many of the courses, it included work on personal mission (“I create a joyful and playful world by loving and inspiring”), affirmation (“As a man among men, I inspire and exhilarate”) and goals (I completed one today: I hugged Joe before his candidacy exam and brought chocolate chip cookies for the examining committee). The difference was the rituals and processes that were much like what men have done for thousands of years. One of the outstanding bonuses of the experiences is that I have a local community of men with whom I can meet regularly. My wonderful friends from courses going back to 1998 are scattered across the world, with few closer than Vancouver. Apparently Edmonton is the hub for Western Canada for MKP. I eagerly await spending time with these men. I am very grateful to all the men who shared the weekend –  new participants and staff, and to all the families and friends who supported us, especially mothers on Mothers Day.

One of the truths I’ve learned from all the work I’ve done is that one’s issues never disappear. The best we can do is to shed light on our shadow. By definition we can’t see our own blind spots and the ongoing connection to others in the conversation is what it takes to maintain and build on what comes out of the intense experiences.

It’s quite timely to step into a “rebirth” as tomorrow is the celebration of my natal day festivities. So just to show me that people actually read this blog, please send me a one-line message of Happy Birthday. Your other gift to me is go out and share laughter and play with your friends and loved ones. Be exhilarated.

I was sitting on the couch marking final exams. Tears were rolling down my face. Paula walked in and said, “They’re not that bad, are they?”

Quite the contrary. As I read the wonderful examples of how students were applying what they learned in our communication class in their lives, it was truly moving.

With his permission, I share this piece from Také Hakii, “I’ve learned about people, my classmates. I’ve learned that they are all awesome. Awesome in many different ways. Some of them are funny, witty, shy, happy, strong, caring, out-going, proper … We’ve got it all. And through their body language during speeches, I learned the power of having a totally safe environment. Some of the speeches contained very emotional topics and without their total commitment to support the idea of a safe classroom, I don’t think they would have felt comfortable to do that. I think that’s a credit not only to you for initiating this, but to all of my classmates for their total commitment.”

The solo efforts of the teacher can leave the classroom a sterile place for information dissemination. It takes the shared contribution of the students to foster an environment where vulnerability and deep learning can occur.

I’m very grateful to all of the awesome students for co-creating  a space in which students could take risks, experiment, and grow in valuable ways.

Although a “great presenter” may inspire an audience, a collective commitment to respect, dignity, and curiosity can generate a fertile ground for transformation.

1. 2. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Blog-readers! Today we gather in celebration. We are together in appreciation. In recognition. And in praise.  We are in gratitude to Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

I’m still processing last Monday’s concert in Albany. I’m curious what features of the man and his music have me be fanatical in a way I am not for any other artist, athlete, or performer. Analysis may take me away from the unbridled energy and pure emotion that I witnessed and felt.

From Badlands to Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out (with a tribute to Clarence Clemons with pictures and video clips on the JumboTron, following the line “When the change was made uptown/ And the Big Man joined the band”, which had me finish the concert in tears), it was an amazing journey of rock and roll transformation. To get a taste of the experience, you can see the setlist and hear/see performances of the songs here

During the concert, when I had short break from being present and in the energy of the show, I asked myself about my own “inner Bruce Springsteen” … how do I bring my own version of inspiration into the world? How can I best bring people alive through my work? Tentatively, I believe that my audiences may be much smaller and my performances more education than entertainment. I see that it is not about being my rendition of someone else, but by being the best form of me. And whatever I do, when I’m 62, I want to be able to do it at full throttle for 3 hours in the style of The Boss.

In honor of Bruce, this week features a little Springsteen trivia contest. Answer the following 3 questions:

1. The lyric “Billy he’s down by the railroad tracks” is from what song?

2. “C’mon Billy won’t you break out the wine” (alternate version: “C’mon Billy won’t you take out your car”) is from what song?

3. What song has “Billy” in the title? (hint: it’s on the same album as the answer to #1)?

Please send your answers to billy@billystrean.com  Prizes will be awarded.

Columbia University’s Earth Institute released the first World Happiness Report, a survey of the state of happiness in the world today, including some science of happiness. The 100+ page report, commissioned by the United Nations Conference on Happiness, has musings on world happiness. (Click here for the whole report).

A severely abridged version of the report on Fast Company asserted that you will be happier if you are wealthy, married, and employed. That’s an over-simplification at best and perhaps misleading. Much of the research on happiness and “subjective well being” suggests that once you are above the poverty line, increases in income don’t equate to a whole lot more happiness.

I was a bit surprised, and somewhat disappointed, that the well-documented report has no mention of the work of Martin Seligman (author of Flourish and a key figure in positive psychology). Seligman showed the factors that are most associated with happiness and well-being:

P – Positive Emotions – experiencing joy and pleasure.

E – Engagement (or flow) – being consciously involved in our activities.

R – Relationships – having enjoyable and supportive interactions with others.

M – Meaning – creating a purposeful narrative about our lives.

A – Accomplishments – completing our goals and following our core values.

So a happy marriage and meaningful work are predictors of happiness; money is less important.

One of the most interesting pieces of the report for me was as follows:
We increasingly understand that we need a very different model of humanity, one in which we are a complicated interplay of emotions and rational thought, unconscious and conscious decision-making, “fast” and “slow” thinking. Many of our decisions are led by emotions and instincts, and only later rationalized by conscious thought. Our decisions are easily “primed” by associations, imagery, social context, and advertising. We are inconsistent or “irrational” in sequential choices, failing to meet basic standards of rational consistency. And we are largely unaware of our own mental apparatus, so we easily fall into traps and mistakes. Addicts do not anticipate their future pain; we spend now and suffer the consequences of bankruptcy later; we break our diets now because we aren’t thinking clearly about the consequences.

This fits well with some of the goodies I’ve written about previously such as the change work, Switch, by the Heath brothers and Carl Honoré’s In Praise of Slow.

I was also intrigued by the inclusion of Sustainable Development Goals: end extreme poverty, environmental sustainability, social inclusion, and good governance. These seem important for our collective happiness.

Among the more “external” factors, key determinants of happiness include: income, work, community & governance, and values & religion. Among the more “personal” features, key determinants include: mental health, physical health, family experience, education, and gender & age.

My next step is toward increasing positive emotions, I’m going to try this: Don’t Worry, Be Happy.

(I’m also experiencing joy and pleasure today by celebrating: Happy 11th Birthday Andrew!)

Steven Wright said, “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”

Another reply is “I slept like a baby … I peed on myself, I was up three times …”

How did you sleep last night? As opposed to other aspects of the Fuel component of my Exhilarated Model (e.g., nutrition, hydration, physical activity) that can be achieved with planning and effort, sleep seems to be less controllable.  Yet it is profoundly important and foundational.

With all of the complicated factors we address in trying to enhance performance, adequate sleep is one of the most compelling and simple elements for effective productivity. I’ve worked with elite athletes and other world-class performers who will go to great lengths to gain a small competitive edge, but they readily will forgo getting enough sleep.

Apparently at least half of us are walking around sleep deprived. Experts say it is better to be a passenger with a drunk driver than one who has not gotten ample sleep. Part of what’s so dangerous about lack of sleep is that the impairment may not be obvious to the sufferer. Yet the impact of insufficient sleep includes reductions in mood, concentration, memory, and creative thinking. It takes enough sleep to learn and retain information — ironically, those of us in university settings (both students and profs) tend to be among the most sleep deprived. There are crucial restorative functions of sleep. With all the concerns about obesity, there is a clear association of weight gain and fatigue that lead to pre-diabetic conditions. We frequently eat not because we are hungry, but because we are tense and tired. Getting sufficient slumber is one of the best ways to avoid snacking.

About 60 per cent of Canadian adults feel tired most of the time and get, on average, 6.9 hours of sleep a night, although experts recommend eight hours. Canadian research indicates 30 per cent of adults get fewer than six hours a night (e.g., Samuels, 2011). Consider before there were electric lights, most people slept ten hours a night … so eight may be more a matter of what is reasonable than what is optimal.

I’ll be exploring this and related topics in “Mens sana in corpore sandwich: Sleeping, eating, and moving for healthy minds” a session at the Better Workplace Conference in October in Vancouver.

I’ve had a lot of anticipation for a couple events this coming week.

One is the release on Tuesday of “Wrecking Ball,” the latest album from Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.  There is nothing in the world of sports or entertainment that I am as fanatical about as the music of Bruce Springsteen.

I heard the premiere of the song “Wrecking Ball” at the opening of his concert on Friday, October 9, 2009 – the final show at Giant Stadium.

“I was raised outta steel here in the swamps of Jersey some misty years ago/Through the mud and the beer and the blood and cheers, I’ve seen champions come and go.”

Another great lyric, given the recent Superbowl outcome is
“Now my home’s here in the Meadowlands … and Giants played the game.”

The need to anticipate has been reduced by some of the tracks being played on CKUA and “Springsteen Week” on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon that featured (in addition to the title track) on Monday night, “We Take Care of Our Own” and Friday night “Death To My Hometown” and “Jack of All Trades” (followed by an awesome rendition of  “E Street Shuffle” with The Roots).

Back to the idea of anticipation – I do get caught up in the details of Springsteen; he is the embodiment of exhilaration – Oliver Goldsmith said, “A great source of calamity lies in regret and anticipation; therefore a person is wise who thinks of the present alone, regardless of the past or future.” Generally that may be true, but there can be joy in looking forward to a positive event, whether the reality meets the anticipation or not. Gloria Swanson quoted her father as saying “Life is 95% anticipation.” If that’s true, then when it is this positive, why not enjoy it?

I’m definitely anticipating seeing The Boss in Albany on April 16.  That’s 9 years and 2 days since his concert here where he said  about Edmonton: “This is about as far north as they let me go before they revoke my New Jersey citizenship.

Oh yeah, the other thing I’ve been anticipating this week: you’ll just have to wait for an upcoming blog.

This morning I was thinking this week’s post would be about the power of apologizing.  You know, there’s lots of great stuff written about gratitude,  appreciation, and even forgiveness, but less air time for saying you’re sorry.

Then I got on a plane with a stomper in front of me and a screamer behind me and I felt like breaking style and going on a bit of a rant.

For starters, the seating was so tight, the seat pockets (normally in front of you to hold magazines, barf bags, and errant gumwrappers) had been removed so that one’s knees could be squeezed in. Then no matter where i put my feet, the guy in front of me found a way to smash his clodhoppers into my toes. Here are a couple things I wanted to say to that guy:

“Dude, those things that you are slamming into are attached to a human”

“How about if you continue to  interrupt my attempt at meditation, I’ll start acquainting your forehead with the tray table in front of you?”

Then the guy all too close behind my right ear is sharing every adventure of his last ten years with his unfortunate seat mate. He has no confidence in the capacity of the human voice to project the necessary six inches, so he is belting it out so the captain – 20 rows ahead – could join in. To him I fantasized about saying (recalling Steve Martin to John Candy in Planes, Trains, & Automobiles)

“Here’s an idea – when you’re telling a story – have a point, make it amusing, it makes it so much more entertaining for the listener … Or at least keep your freakin’ vocal decibels below the turbo engine.”

I  feel purged. In addition to all the high-minded, good-hearted stuff I write about, I suggest you allow yourself a good rant now and then.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and also the numerically orderly 4,567^th day that Paula and I have been married. We keep track of every day in the spirit of celebration. So my words today are about commemorating love and marriage.

For the mathematicians in the group, you may realize we are approaching our 13^th anniversary. Although my triskaidekaphobia is mild, I will be more comfortable rejoicing about “4,749 Days” rather than “13 years.”

But the reason for focusing on days instead of years is more about appreciating each present moment; noting the achievement and the gladness of each morning, not waiting until the earth circles the sun to revel.

Right now, I’m feeling particularly festive about our salubrious relationship. We feel like it took us a good dozen years to find our groove. Perhaps we needed a lot of individual inner work and shared “processing” of each other and our marriage to realize a flow where we really have something to acclaim each day.

I’m far from declaring a victory and reluctant to offer advice, but I can tell you a few things I’m noticing. The cliché about how when you point the finger there are three pointing back at you arose for a good reason. Learning to focus on what is getting triggered in each of us vs. going into attack mode does oodles toward peace and harmony. Maybe this is the fruition of what I noticed at the beginning of October (see blog entry). Consciously valuing harmony over justice also seems important. Very few battles about who is right are worth the cost to the mood and the relationship. Simply letting go or quickly dismounting the horse of righteous indignation is utterly valuable. Generally being more spacious and accepting (not necessarily agreeing or confirming) of each other’s moods and idiosyncrasies also provides some lovely dividends.

So Happy Valentine’s Day and happy everyday. If you are fortunate to have a relationship, enjoy celebrating it and your partner. I’m looking forward to 4,568.

The title may have led you to believe that I’d be commenting on the post-Superbowl adventures of Adam, Cee Lo, Christina, and Blake. I’m not, other than to say I watched and found several of the singer’s stories and emotions quite moving.

I’ve been thinking more about our own inner voice, largely thanks to Parker J. Palmer’s Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. We often equate the concept of vocation with job or career, yet it comes from the same root as voice and we can think of it as the expression of what is deep within us, perhaps taking the actions that fit with our life purpose.

Palmer’s description of his quest resonated with my efforts to “live a better life” and “be a better person.” He wrote, “I lined up the most elevated ideals I could find and set out to achieve them … The results were rarely admirable, often laughable, and sometimes grotesque…. I had simply found a ‘noble’ way of living a life that was not my own, a life spent imitating heroes instead of listening to my heart.”

From the back seat of my Prius earlier this week, Andrew asked, “What’s a mid-life crisis?” My first thought was, “That’s what your daddy’s having” – not sure the mix of truth and self-amusement. It’s easy to wonder to what extent we are following external demands instead of listening to internal callings.

Palmer explained that learning to let his life speak means “living the life that wants to live in me.” It involves creating enough stillness and quiet to allow a soul to speak its truth. It also means setting aside external notions about what a vocation should and shouldn’t be so that we can attune ourselves to the call of our inner voice.

Part of Palmer’s journey included clinical depression and he noted that the path to leadership and awareness of our vocation involves confronting our darkness.

Finding my own voice amidst the cacophony of external demands, opportunities, and mileposts feels like a daunting challenge. Yet I’m convinced that clarity is available by locating that frequency.

For those of us who will never be “The Voice,” there may be solace in hearing our own purest expression.